The Perfect Wedding

We don't have a date for our wedding, but of course we've been talking about it ever since Mark proposed in October; when & where to hold the ceremony, who will officiate, where to host the reception... those are the basic questions. Then other ones begin to come up. Do we hire a band? Do we cater? Do we hire a photographer? Do we have a rehearsal dinner?

I was curious about using an online wedding planner and so I signed up for Wedding Wire (our website host) through a link on Facebook. A whole new set of questions arose. What's our theme? What gifts should we get for the wedding party? Where shall we register? What about the invitations, embossed or email?

I am intrigued by the traditions that have come to define the "perfect" wedding, the color-coordination, theme-orientation, multi-thousand dollar extravaganza. I'm not interested in splurging on a big shindig but the window shopping is fascinating. Ever since October I notice more and more services geared especially for the big day. My friend Miriam and I went to a small Bridal Show at a country club just outside of Portland. It was lovely; we met a dj, caterers, planners, makeup artists, honeymoon travel agents, florists and more. Wedding professionals, very kindly sharing their recommedations on how to achieve an unforgettable celebration of love. It's alluring. But it leads me to ask, what does all the pomp add to the circumstance?

As I look at all the options that face me, the big challenge I find is to plan a wedding that honors the big step we're taking in our lives and the lives of Mark's daughters, but doesn't cave in to industry standards that have nothing to do "us". And so I return to fundamental questions.

Why do we invite guests to our weddings? We do so in order to have witnesses and supporters who will remind us of the love that brought wife and husband together, especially when challenges threaten to pull us apart.

And we invite our guests to celebrate with us after the ceremony in order to nourish life with a meal that sustains us, and to celebrate romance with dance.

This all makes good sense but it seems as if these basic elements have been overblown by the market. We're told that the "big day" is the one day we can (and should) demand it all, spend as much money as we dare to create an unforgettable day.

Granted, a wedding is a rare opportunity for the couple to express its unique style on a big scale, to display its shared taste and values before their whole community. To say: we stand as one, united from this day forward, and this is what you can expect from "us" in the future.

There are also centuries-old traditions of hosting parties that display family wealth and generosity, sharing good fortune so that it may continue. Modern posh weddings with their A-list guests, designer dresses and secret locations are similar status symbols. Our contemporary wedding industry is fueled by our very human aspirations for greatness and good fortune.

Mark has been a little surprised by my fascination with all-things-wedding, which I've manifested in building the website and this blog, attending the Bridal Show, contacting musicians, surfing the internet for cake-bakers, caterers and photographers. I've already bought my dress. He's expressed concern that I might desire The Perfect Wedding.

What's happened is that my inquiry has helped me identify the meaning of The Perfect Wedding.

I don't think there's any such thing, even though my brother's came pretty darn close. I think perfection, as far as weddings go, is ultimately found in the kiss, in the "I do", in the heart of the relationship, and the breath between "will you marry me?" and "yes."

In a few days we'll pick the date of our wedding.

I've decided that I want a simple wedding. I'm pretty sure Mark does too.

That is perfect.